Monday, 06 April 2009

• Concerning the effects of blunt force trauma to the testicles

  (Note: I wrote this essay for a friend of mine who wanted to know more specifics about this experience. Blame her.)
  

  “Getting kicked in the balls”, as it is colloquially termed, is one of the most painful experiences that homo sapien males may experience in the course of the otherwise healthy portions of their lives. From this point on we will refer to it is as BFTT (blunt force trauma to the testicles). There are things more painful a man may experience, such as passing kidney stones, but these are usually medical issues.

   

  First off, one needs to understand why this event is so noted when analyzing The Male Experience©. The trauma involved in “getting kicked in the balls” is so extreme because it is not just physical trauma. There are issues of personal space, i.e. “being touched in the bad place”, as well as an instinctual fear of losing the ability to procreate.

   

  Secondly, let us analyze the actual physical experience. The only real difference between BFTT and blunt force applied anywhere else on the body of a man is the level of sensitivity. The U of Pennsylvania Health System says, “The testicles…are very sensitive. Even a minor injury can cause pain or discomfort to the testicles.” What this neglects to inform the casual reader is that the minor injury can be something as small as slip out of your hands and into lap. Not exactly blunt trauma, but discomfort at best and pain at worst.

   

  To illustrate the pain the can be caused by BFTT, we shall look at a couple of anecdotes. One of these anecdotes is from the authors personal experience and the other he witnessed. Strangely enough, both anecdotes involve soccer.

   One day a group of young men decided to play soccer on a beach. During the game one of the young men tried to kick the soccer ball but missed, and instead connected with one of the other young men’s scrotum. The young man who had just been kicked fell to ground in pain. The group decided to go back to their cabin at this point. The young man whose balls were kicked could barely walk because of the pain. Once returned to their cabin, one of the other young men offered him some of his migraine-grade Tylenol. The young man suffering from BFTT took two (thinking the dosage was the same as regular Tylenol) and after ten minutes he couldn’t feel his legs. That, however, is another story.

   The other instance we will look at occurred during a soccer tournament. The team was just starting to warm up in front of their net. Kids were milling about, half-heartedly dribbling balls. One particular young man notices that one of his shoes is untied, and he kneels down to tie it standing directly in front of the net. At that same moment one of the center midfielder is setting himself up to kick a practice penalty shot. Unfortunately, because of all of the kids milling around, he can’t see the other young man kneeling to tie his shoe in the goal. So, just as the young man standing in the goal stands up, the ball kicked by the center midfielder flies like a shot right into his lap. The young man hobbles to the nearest restroom, sure his testicles have burst and are dribbling down the side of his leg. However, when he gets there, he finds that his body is intact. He hopes briefly that he will be able to spawn children after this incident, and then he goes back out to the field to walk off the pain.

   BFTT is something to be avoided when at all possible. With possible side effects such as drug abuse and infertility, it is a dangerous foe to all men. To all of our female readers, please be sensitive. Do not kick your fellow man in the balls.
  

  An Edit For David: I do remember the spreading pain in the lower abdomen that makes you feel kind of nauseous- and the pain of initial impact is like...a frisbee to the face (I had that happen once because I was playing frisbee at dusk- I didn't see it coming. I felt something hit me in the face and then I saw an explosion of light). It's a horrifying experience. I still do contend that the psychological trauma is worse. The fear of sterilization by BFTT is palpable when the blunt force involved is so violent.
  

   Men, do you have anything to add to this? Women, are there any specifics you need to know more about?

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